Things I can’t Live Without

Adventures
Balance between steadiness and freedom/randomness
Sarcasms to produce good laughters
Ability to be myself
Private time and space
Ability to feel achieving
Intimacy
Admiration
Good conversations
Enjoyable silence
Ability to make music
To be understood
Ability to enjoy art
Ability to grow as a person towards someone I want to be
Freedom to show how I feel about something without being judged

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Dear Yung,

It’s been a while.
But I still see you when I close my eyes. That smile, those eyes. The way you laugh.
I still hear you when I close my ears. Your voice. The way you sing. Those laughters. The way you say certain sentences.
I still call your name. Can you hear?
I still dream about you. Secretly I wish to. Because there’s no other way to feel your presence anymore. Sometimes I wish I could just stay there. Because it’s calming to be surrounded by your illusion. Even though that means I have to live in fantasy I built in the past.

I compare every guy I know to you. It’s unfair because they treat me better than you did. It’s unfair that I think about you instead of them.
Sometimes I feel the ache on my chest again. Not as bad as before when you just left me. It’s much better now but I wonder why I still feel the pain. It’s unfair that I need you much more than you need me.

I still imagine holding your hand. Watching you sleep. Hearing you snore. Sitting in silence with you. Going in adventures together. Making out. Making fun of each other. Or other people.

I miss talking to you, I really do.
If there’s really a next life, I wish we can meet again. Without these bad memories, and let’s start fresh all over again. I won’t give up, Yung. More than you’d ever know, I keep this feeling deep inside my heart.

So long, Yung. Till the next life.

 

We Deserve Better

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We deserve to be loved. To be taken care of psychologically. To feel better when we are not having the best feeling. To feel wanted.

We know we are strong enough to do it alone.  But why keeping someone who can’t keep up when he is on demand. Who doesn’t even understand how feelings work. Who expects us to be a robot.  Or an army.  Who can be with us only when we are happy. Who can’t take our down moments. Who has been taking us for granted all this time. Who never feels sorry.  Who is not compassionate.

Make up your mind. We deserve better.  We really do.

 

Things I Do When I Am Sad

One or more of these, not in particular order:

* Watch UFC
* Play piano
* Listen to music with sad lyrics and cry to sleep
* Watch korean drama with expectation to cry and fail
* Watch “Just For Laughs”
* Watch cats video on YouTube
* Look up sweet quotes
* Watch “Love And The Other Drugs” and cry to sleep
* Masturbate
* Watch proposal videos and cry hard
* Thinking about my bf and cry harder
* Bother either Adam or Nata via text/skype
* Talk to Jasmine
* Play with my cat Cleo
* Go out and spend money on stupid little stuffs =(
* Sleep all day and regret it at night when I can’t sleep
* Skipping work to do one or more of the things above and regret it in the end of the month

 

Bali Trip (January 2014) / A Loner’s Escape: Permission To Be Human

Even though this trip was planned impulsively, it turned out well and I’m glad I decided to do it. I had to cancel work in short notice and had to book everything in a rush but I had different kind of experiences because travelling by yourself means letting you find your true self.
***

Day 1 (January 25)

My flight arrived in Bali at 10 am and it took me about 45 minutes to reach the villa I rent. The villa is lovely, with a gazebo and pool, fast internet and and it’s owned by English/American young couple who work here. While waiting for the check-in time, we talked a bit and I admire their freedom of life. They work here in Bali as teachers. The guy is a scuba diving instructor and the girl is an English literature teacher in a school here. They have been here for only 6 months after they lived in India, Vietnam and Thailand for many years. What a full of travelling life!

I rented a scooter here for $7.5 per day. Was a good decision because without it I would spend heaps of money for cab fares. Driving here is much better than in Jakarta. Less stupid and crazy drivers, and the roads are in a much better condition.

And then I decided to get a balinese massage. As someone who does massage a lot, I could tell that the technique is different than massages I usually have. They used arm strength more than fingers. The massage was even cheaper than my usual, it was $5 per hour.

In the evening, I found out that a uni friend (who I also met in China) was also in Bali, so we decided to meet up and we ended up going clubbing with 6 other friends. I had fun dancing with friends and even random people. Once again I let long island iced tea won that night and finally went home at about 2 am. Passed out.
***

Day 2 (January 26)

Woke up fresh around 10, I showered and went to beach by scooter. Took me about 30 minutes driving one way. Originally wanted to go to Seminyak but I got lost to Kuta – which wasn’t worse. I had a small lunch because I got my gum aching. 😦 Will go to doctor once I get back to Jakarta. And then I decided to learn to surf! For the first time in my life, I tried surfing and managed to stand up a few times and slide with the waves. It was heaps of fun I will never forget. I ended up being friends with my instructor because I lost my contact lenses when I was surfing and I had him driving me back to villa. We had dinner and desserts together and he asked me to come for another lesson the next day for free.
***

Day 3 (January 27)
Back to surfing – free one. I did better than the day before. Managed to stand up for longer and till the end of the beach. Bought some souvenirs for friends and family back home after had lunch and while walking around the town with bikini. I also bought a toy for Mao-mao and Pumpkin. They loved it and went crazy for it. Back to villa around 3 pm and brought the scooter back, posting this post and will catch my flight at 11 pm.
***

About what I mentioned before, that by spending time travelling alone means you have big chance to find more about yourself, I found some points about myself:
#1 I am a free person. I can’t be pinned down. How to make me stay is to let me attach myself to you.
#2 I am very adaptable, easy to adapt to new things and place. Which is good, because it fits my travelling passion. I won’t travel just to stay in the hotel. I also learned that I have a good sense of direction so I will try to get to everywhere I can and I can take care of myself.
#3 brb

 

Escape

Couldn’t say anything.
Every word I prepared just didn’t come out.
Didn’t know what to think about.
Didn’t know what I thought about.
Couldn’t think, couldn’t control my feelings.

Words were replaced by tears.
I cried. And cried more.
Didn’t think this would be this hard at all.

Missing old moments eventhough they’re not much.
Feeling sorry that the door is closed.
Feeling sad for there will be no future for being together.

I want to escape.  Far far away from everyone. For fairy tale does not exist anymore.  It never has and was just fantasy and illusion.

 

Late Evening And I

When the sun is no longer in sight, I have no choice but to recognize the trembling of my heart.  In the pale of evening gloom, I lie myself down, and right before I fall asleep, my heart will swell without warning, and tremble, and lurch with a stab of pain. No one would hear, no one would see. No one would understand why or how. I’m expected to always feel happy, like a smiling machine. I usually try clamping my eyes shut and gritting my teeth while waiting for it to pass. And it will pass — but slowly, taking its own time, and leaving a dull ache behind. Sometimes I fall asleep; the pain follows and haunts me to sleep. Some other time, and I fall asleep and dream about nice things. Both are equally bad because every time I open my eyes, all the nice things are just memories and the pain takes over my heart again and again.

Happiness Is Like An Orgasm

When you have sex you’ll want to reach the climax. You will work to get it because sex without climax sucks. You know what’s funny? We won’t be able to reach our climax if we focus on the climax itself. We can’t keep thinking or pressing ourself to reach climax if we want to get it. Once I tried a quicky, a few minutes before I needed to leave to the airport to catch my flight, and I told myself, “Hurry up, go go come now, we have no time”. LOL Yeah, thanks Captain Obvious, that was an epic failure. The best way to get climax is by enjoying the process as a whole and not thinking about the climax itself. You need other goals to taste that earth’s heaven. You try to connect to your partner, enjoy the time you spend together, being intimate, try to please them and show them what you like and what you don’t.. Then slowly you get closer to it, you keep working on it harder and faster,… and BOOM! You’re all wet. *smirks*

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It’s actually the same shit with happiness. Everyone wants to be happy in his life and do whatever it takes to get there. You know what’s funny? We won’t be able to reach happiness if we focus on the happiness itself. We can’t push nor force ourself to reach happiness if we want to be there. We need other goals in life to reach happiness and the happiness itself will come as a side effect of what we achieve. We connect and build decent relationships with people we care about, we enjoy bitter and sweet moments that come across our daily life, we work on our positive traits and cut out the bad ones, we sacrifice what we want to get what we need.. and when we keep doing that, we try harder, … and BOOM! Even without you realizing, you are surrounded with happiness.

We don’t live our life to pursue happiness. We have a life to live on and to do our best, and when we see ourself being successful to be in the right track, happiness draws near and stays with us.

Fear vs. Comfort

I bought a book when I was in my 5 hours transit between Beijing and Jakarta in Kuala Lumpur before. I don’t really want to mention the title since it’s one of my shame books :p. Anyway, I’ve been dealing with a similar situation with what this book mentioned, which I didn’t really expect this book would talk about it since the title is kinda far away from that topic. But in its chapter 8, I found some pages that slap me pretty hard. It sounds like this:

“… Nevertheless, sometimes it just doesn’t work out.

No matter how good you may be at absorbing and applying these principles, no matter how high value you are, how good you are at conveying it to guys, how faithful you are in applying rule of reciprocity, or in making sure you and your guy share the same values and the same priorities for these values, you will never be immune to heartbreak. … It’s important to accept that, in love, there is still no guarantee. It’s part of human condition, part of the mystery of love.

You may do absolutely everything right, and still get hurt or be disappointed.

We have no control if our partner decides to up and leave. We have no control if he decides to be unfaithful. Sometimes you’ll be the one who falls out of love, or who realizes that this person just isn’t right for you. Most of us understand that all we can control is our own actions; we can only influence the actions and behaviours of someone else. Then there’s our own unruly heart, causing trouble. Just because you’re the one to end it, that doesn’t mean your heart isn’t broken.

Some of us, because of our past, might be so afraid of getting burned again by love, and refuse to put ourself in a situation where we can truly experience that feeling of surrender that’s part of falling in love. It’s one tactic, certainly, but isn’t it better to risk hurt than to allow fear to rule our love lives? 

If we want the chance to feel the joy of love, we are going to risk feeling more pain than we’ve ever felt before. When a relationship ends, the pain we experience can take months, even years, to become bearable. Feeling such pain at the loss of a partner is a natural, perhaps even a good thing; it assures us that the relationship was meaningful, and that we’re able to commit to another person at the deepest level. The truth is, we are never ready to be hurt, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t take the risk. First you do the thing you’re scared of, then you get the courage.

… because we feel we’ve already lost The One. Nothing else seems to matter. We lose our drive, our ambition and our ability to take even baby steps forward.

But there’s another way to look at it. Consider this: the pain doesn’t come from losing your soulmate, but from disappointment that this guy wasn’t your soulmate. It’s sad, but it’s not catastrophic. And if you look at it this way – that in some regard he failed to live up ti your values and standards, so how could he have been your soulmate? – the pain is likely to be less severe. … We can now say more easily, ‘Although I’m hurt right now, this person wasn’t right for me. Now i can allow myself to find the right person.’

This might sound like a small difference, but just allowing ourselves to take on this more correct understanding of what has happened can free us to move forward. And remember, none of your efforts will have been in vain. We are always learning more about ourself and our relationship with others. Every experience adds richness to our character, which in turn informs the depth of connection we can make in the future.”

I don’t really want to elaborate about what I’ve been dealing with lately, but the writer definitely has a great point, and this becomes one of those moments when I slowly change my perspective on my current situation. I, for sure, don’t know what the future brings, but I should keep pushing myself to keep believing, being the same person to who I was, and don’t give the one who did miserable things to me – power to change me to be like him.