Thoughts On Dating Someone Who Makes Less Than You Do

The other day, my boyfie asked me how would I feel or think if I dated someone who makes less money than I do. It was a simple question yet surprisingly took more thoughts to answer. There’s a study saying that money and health are two things that affect out happiness only when we have less of them. As in, we are more psychologically affected when we have no money or unhealthy rather than when we have enough money and healthy. Having enough money and being healthy doesn’t affect us that much.

Personally, money doesn’t matter that much to me in relationships. I never found myself being turned on or attracted to someone just for the sake of how much they make. Honestly, I rarely know about how much my dates made.

I once dated someone who made less than I did for almost 2 years. I did pay almost for every expenses we had: outings, meals, drinks, movies, transportations, you name it. I often bought him clothes and presents too. But we also had a lot of fun, had a normal relationship, and money wasn’t the reason why we decided not to date again. I never regretted the fact that I dated someone who makes less money than I am.

But we can’t deny that money, beside other factors too, liberates us. We have more options when we have enough money to spend. And this affects out habits in relationships too. For instance, you wouldn’t go to $50 dinner when you make $500 a month (which is how much a fresh graduate would earn here), would you? You wouldn’t be able to buy her presents when you can’t barely save, right?
But still, for me, expensive dinners and presents are irrelevant.

Although, sometimes money has something to do with passion. Someone who pursues his passion but has less money is fine. But it’s a big turn off if someone has a lot of chances, potential and talent, but he doesn’t make enough just because he’s lazy and has no passion.

This might sound cliche, but while finding rich men is easy, finding someone who opens your eyes, horizon and gives you new perspectives in things and life, is difficult. It’s not easy to find someone who truly values your opinions. It’s tough to find someone who loves you and liberates you in the same time. Someone who would hug and listen to you when you’re fed up in the middle of his frustration of his business and work, is rare. Someone who would put you first, is one in a million. These things matter more than a jetset lifestyle for me.

Money doesn’t matter, but what you do with your money is important. Or more important, what you do without your money. Other than that, there are so many factors to build a truly happy relationship.

What about you? What would you think or feel if you are in a relationship when the girl makes more money than the guy?

Bali Trip (January 2014) / A Loner’s Escape: Permission To Be Human

Even though this trip was planned impulsively, it turned out well and I’m glad I decided to do it. I had to cancel work in short notice and had to book everything in a rush but I had different kind of experiences because travelling by yourself means letting you find your true self.
***

Day 1 (January 25)

My flight arrived in Bali at 10 am and it took me about 45 minutes to reach the villa I rent. The villa is lovely, with a gazebo and pool, fast internet and and it’s owned by English/American young couple who work here. While waiting for the check-in time, we talked a bit and I admire their freedom of life. They work here in Bali as teachers. The guy is a scuba diving instructor and the girl is an English literature teacher in a school here. They have been here for only 6 months after they lived in India, Vietnam and Thailand for many years. What a full of travelling life!

I rented a scooter here for $7.5 per day. Was a good decision because without it I would spend heaps of money for cab fares. Driving here is much better than in Jakarta. Less stupid and crazy drivers, and the roads are in a much better condition.

And then I decided to get a balinese massage. As someone who does massage a lot, I could tell that the technique is different than massages I usually have. They used arm strength more than fingers. The massage was even cheaper than my usual, it was $5 per hour.

In the evening, I found out that a uni friend (who I also met in China) was also in Bali, so we decided to meet up and we ended up going clubbing with 6 other friends. I had fun dancing with friends and even random people. Once again I let long island iced tea won that night and finally went home at about 2 am. Passed out.
***

Day 2 (January 26)

Woke up fresh around 10, I showered and went to beach by scooter. Took me about 30 minutes driving one way. Originally wanted to go to Seminyak but I got lost to Kuta – which wasn’t worse. I had a small lunch because I got my gum aching. 😦 Will go to doctor once I get back to Jakarta. And then I decided to learn to surf! For the first time in my life, I tried surfing and managed to stand up a few times and slide with the waves. It was heaps of fun I will never forget. I ended up being friends with my instructor because I lost my contact lenses when I was surfing and I had him driving me back to villa. We had dinner and desserts together and he asked me to come for another lesson the next day for free.
***

Day 3 (January 27)
Back to surfing – free one. I did better than the day before. Managed to stand up for longer and till the end of the beach. Bought some souvenirs for friends and family back home after had lunch and while walking around the town with bikini. I also bought a toy for Mao-mao and Pumpkin. They loved it and went crazy for it. Back to villa around 3 pm and brought the scooter back, posting this post and will catch my flight at 11 pm.
***

About what I mentioned before, that by spending time travelling alone means you have big chance to find more about yourself, I found some points about myself:
#1 I am a free person. I can’t be pinned down. How to make me stay is to let me attach myself to you.
#2 I am very adaptable, easy to adapt to new things and place. Which is good, because it fits my travelling passion. I won’t travel just to stay in the hotel. I also learned that I have a good sense of direction so I will try to get to everywhere I can and I can take care of myself.
#3 brb

 

Happiness Is Like An Orgasm

When you have sex you’ll want to reach the climax. You will work to get it because sex without climax sucks. You know what’s funny? We won’t be able to reach our climax if we focus on the climax itself. We can’t keep thinking or pressing ourself to reach climax if we want to get it. Once I tried a quicky, a few minutes before I needed to leave to the airport to catch my flight, and I told myself, “Hurry up, go go come now, we have no time”. LOL Yeah, thanks Captain Obvious, that was an epic failure. The best way to get climax is by enjoying the process as a whole and not thinking about the climax itself. You need other goals to taste that earth’s heaven. You try to connect to your partner, enjoy the time you spend together, being intimate, try to please them and show them what you like and what you don’t.. Then slowly you get closer to it, you keep working on it harder and faster,… and BOOM! You’re all wet. *smirks*

Image

It’s actually the same shit with happiness. Everyone wants to be happy in his life and do whatever it takes to get there. You know what’s funny? We won’t be able to reach happiness if we focus on the happiness itself. We can’t push nor force ourself to reach happiness if we want to be there. We need other goals in life to reach happiness and the happiness itself will come as a side effect of what we achieve. We connect and build decent relationships with people we care about, we enjoy bitter and sweet moments that come across our daily life, we work on our positive traits and cut out the bad ones, we sacrifice what we want to get what we need.. and when we keep doing that, we try harder, … and BOOM! Even without you realizing, you are surrounded with happiness.

We don’t live our life to pursue happiness. We have a life to live on and to do our best, and when we see ourself being successful to be in the right track, happiness draws near and stays with us.

13 Commandments

Terinspirasi dari buku The Happiness Project -nya Gretchen Rubin (yang aslinya belum kelar-kelar amat gue bacanya :p) dan karena kebetulan ini awal tahun, gue membuat 13 Commandments buat diri gue sendiri. Lame yah?

Well, gue sebenernya jarang banget bikin resolusi. Palingan seumur hidup cuma 2 kali. Kenapa? Mungkin karena gue merasa biasa-biasa aja sama hidup gue: tinggal dijalani. Mungkin juga karena gue terlalu lemah sama diri sendiri. Atau mungkin, yang lebih serem, gue nggak merasa kurang apa-apa. Kalo dipikir sedih juga kalo hidup kita, kita pasrahkan pertumbuhannya sama alam semata. Mungkin gue mesti lebih humble dan pelan-pelan bikin effort buat tumbuh lebih daripada biasanya. *mingsek*

Gue bikin 13 bukan karena ini tahun 2013 sih. Tapi memang sumpah nggak sengaja. Aslinya, dibukunya sih 12 doang, secara dalam setahun isinya cuma 12 bulan *facepalm*. Lah, gimana dong? Gue udah bikin 13 dan nggak bisa dikompres, secara intinya beda-beda. Mungkin habis ini gue pecah-pecah lagi jadi sub-resolusi, terus dikasih deadline ya? Nanti deh gue sort out.

1. Don’t be afraid to speak up your mind.

Kalo orang lain punya masalah gampang marah, gue punya masalah mendem marah. Gue masih nggak jelas sama boundary gue sendiri. Gue nggak tau kapan harusnya gue bilang nggak boleh sama orang lain. Gue gampang banget ngelihat masalah nggak dari 1 sisi aja. Jadi kadang-kadang gue dalem hati ngerasa ini orang salah sama gue, tapi otomatis gue juga punya perspektif lain yang ngasih orang lain itu excuses. Mungkin bagus buat ngertiin orang, tapi ya gitu deh, boundary gue jadi kabur. Nah, maunya sih pelan-pelan mulai bisa ‘marah’, lebih bisa stand up for myself, lebih tau bates mana yang nggak bisa dilewatin orang lain. Kalo udah bisa mikir ini orang salah, gue pengen berani ngomong instead of gue pendem sendiri.

2. Believe that you can’t control everything

Pernah nggak sih lu jalan di public place dengan santai dan pedenya, tapi setelah berkaca ternyata ada cabe nemplok di muka lu somewhere? Nah, rasanya kayak gitu deh. Gue tau gue memang nggak bisa dibilang penurut, yang dibilangin ini itu langsung iya. Tapi, daaaamn… gue nggak bayangin kalo gue tuh se-stubborn ini. Kalo dipikir, mungkin karena akarnya dari sifat gue yang ambisius. Di satu sisi kehidupan mungkin sikap gue yang nyolot ini berguna, tapi di lain sisi ngerugiin gue juga. Jadi mulai hari ini gue mau lebih terbuka dan lebih humble bahwa gue juga bisa salah, coba jadi less stubborn, stop thinking that most people are stupid, dan lebih terbuka untuk lebih mengenal orang.

3. Earn and save more money

Most people bilang gue earn lebih banyak dari pada orang-orang seumuran gue. Tapi dibalik itu, gue juga spend kebanyakan. Cita-citanya, sedikit demi sedikit mau dibalik, earn lebih banyak dan spend lebih wisely. Ada beberapa tricks yang gue pikir bisa membantu: daily catering instead of eating out everyday, less bubble tea and frozen yoghurt, post more advertising, arrange a better schedule, and stop buying small craps.

4. Travel more

Duit yang tadi disimpen, salah satunya pengen dibuat jalan-jalan. Sendiri atau sama siapa aja yang penting orangnya fun.. yuk mari.

5. Be less careless

Ok, gue akuin gue terlalu sering rely on miracles and luck sehari-hari. Misalnya, dompet dan HP nggak dilihatin, tas dibiarin terbuka, band mobil gundul masih diajak ke luar kota. Betul sih, nggak ada apa-apa. Cuma kalo dipikir ternyata mengkhawatirkan juga ya. Lebih parah lagi, kadang-kadang gue tau sesuatu yang bisa datengin hal buruk, tapi gue biarin aja. D:

So, ini list buat reminder gue mulai hari ini: bring condom, always sly your bags, take notes, always keep a to-do list, do not ignore warnings and bad news, be more aware, think more about your weakness, fix things, do your excel more carefully.

6. Learn more

Read more books, learn better english, continue learning Mandarin and Japanese if possible, learn other instrument better, don’t be afraid to ask for help.

7. Do not procrastinate

Sering banget gue mendapati diri sendiri mager (males gerak) di depan komputer, tidur-tiduran main FB dan 9gag seharian. Well, mesti dikasih takaran juga kali ya.

8. Priorities!

Kadang-kadang yang kita pengenin belum tentu jadi apa yang kita butuhin. Salah satu kelemahan gue, gue tau mana prioritas, tapi males ngikutinnya sendiri. Mesti mulai untuk lebih ngeduluin kebutuhan daripada kepengenan.

9. Try new things

Gue sering secara gak sadar membatasi diri dari hal0hal yang belum gue tau. Contoh kecil aja, seperti makanan, kelihatan pedes ga mau coba. Padahal sebenernya waktu dicoba enak juga. Ini yang bisa bikin gue missing out things.

10. Make more ‘real’ friends.

Kebanyakan di depan komputer dan udah kebiasaan, gue punya temen-temen yang awalnya ketemu dulu dari alam maya. Sulitnya, beberapa engga pernah ketemu, dan yang pernah ketemu pun sulit untuk dimaintain karena jarak. Sementara, gue beralibi sibuk untuk ketemu dengan temen-temen yang ada di sekitar gue. It’s ok to have online friends, but they can’t replace concrete friends.

11. Do not expect praise or appreciation

Ini masalah semua orang sih sebenernya. Cuman ngga semua orang sadar. Waktu kita melakukan sesuatu yang baik, sering kali motif kita sebenernya untuk cari apresiasi. Walaupun ngga obvious, tapi kita sejujurnya pengen orang lain untuk melakukan kebaikan yang sama buat kita. Ini nggak sehat karena kita justru bakal ngasih burden yang lebih besar buat orang lain. Cara ngeberesinnya, ya udah, lakuin sesuatu karena keinginan lu, bukan karena lu lakuin buat orang lain. Kesannya selfish, tapi kalo dipikir lebih dalem, sebenernya justru less selfish.

12. Be less emotional

Gautama bilang, supaya kekecewaan bisa diminimalisir, attachment mesti ditekan juga kadarnya. So, try to not to be attached to anything. Things end and it’s okay. When you feel attached to something, be aware and cut it. Don’t sweat small things. Be less jealous. Do not put too much effort to people. Cuma orang-orang yang ngga merlakuin lu seperti option yang berhak di beri prioritas.

13. Do it yourself

Punya embak di rumah emang super convenient. Ranjang di tatain, lemari diberesin, piring dicuciin. Ros, kalo mau beneran pindah ke negeri orang, rumah lu nanti mau jadi apa?? Pelan-pelan dibiasain ngerjain apa yang perlu dikerjain sendiri. Anggep aja si embak ngga ada.

Ok I’m done listing. Deadline lagi dibikin. Sabar.