A few months ago I applied for a working holiday visa to Australia that would give me a year to enter and spend time there, and I’d be allowed to work. For those who haven’t known my primary reason to get this visa, it’s because I was in a long distance relationship between Jakarta and Melbourne. So I thought to make it easier for us, I’d move there for a year, instead of having unsponsored trips every 3 months or so. The visa was granted and I bought a one way ticket too.
We’ve been planning this long ago, and it somehow distracted us from the quality of the relationship itself. We didn’t really communicate anymore, we didn’t make time and effort to understand each other and to fulfill each other’s needs. I felt doubts but I told myself that it will be fine, regardless what I was feeling towards him and the relationship. I let the visa allowing me to put myself and my needs aside, and slowly but sure, I was changing into someone who is not myself anymore. Because I did look up to him, he wanted me to change to be a better person – which is good, unless the new person he’s creating is not me anymore. This made me feel like I couldn’t catch up and I would look down on myself because of my desire to stay who I am.
I had to put my foot down, even though it means I let half of my savings blown away. It *is* a lot of amount for me, and since I only have this small business, it took me a while to save. But when I think about it, it is a small amount for a life lesson. Or maybe life lesson isn’t accurate. It’s more like saving myself from something worse, like stuck with that kind of life forever and believing that the best I could do.
So here I am rearranging my life with new point of view, new perspective about myself. The whole thing taught me a lot. I discovered my true self more, who I really am, what are my desires and passions that can’t be separated from me. I probably will keep focusing on growing my business, setting new goals for it. I will travel more, I will keep growing my passion for music and teaching. I will stay carefree and spontaneous. I will definitely pursue what I couldn’t before and believing that it is okay to be like this – to be the true self of me.
My life is much better now that I don’t have to fight with myself. I’m much calmer, less anxious and happier. And my friends agreed. I slowly get back my enthusiasm, and enjoy it without any guilty feeling.
Welcome back home, Rose! 🙂