When the sun is no longer in sight, I have no choice but to recognize the trembling of my heart. In the pale of evening gloom, I lie myself down, and right before I fall asleep, my heart will swell without warning, and tremble, and lurch with a stab of pain. No one would hear, no one would see. No one would understand why or how. I’m expected to always feel happy, like a smiling machine. I usually try clamping my eyes shut and gritting my teeth while waiting for it to pass. And it will pass — but slowly, taking its own time, and leaving a dull ache behind. Sometimes I fall asleep; the pain follows and haunts me to sleep. Some other time, and I fall asleep and dream about nice things. Both are equally bad because every time I open my eyes, all the nice things are just memories and the pain takes over my heart again and again.